Of seeing sin in my own heart and feeling helpless because I really desired it.
I WANTED to be angry; I WANTED to hold onto "justice."
It was a moment of truly seeing Him and realizing I was on the opposite side.
So what do you do in that moment of looking up from the situation and realizing...I am alone.
When you see Him across the other side of the Grand Canyon, it seems, with no bridge in sight?
How can He be over THERE?!?
Does He not see what the situation demands?
Where is justice? Where is truth?
But for some funny reason, He is telling ME to come over THERE.
What.
Is.
This.
No way. He needs to come over here and fix this right now.
--------------------------------------------
A few days go by.
And a few more.
Alone. Alone. Alone.
He has not left my sight, but I am not going over there.
Never.
That would hurt too much.
Surely love and forgiveness...are horribly inconvenient, nagging truths right now.
I want another truth. I want my truth. The obvious stuff. The kind that doesn't touch my heart.
------------------------------------------
Finally, desperation.
I cannot live like this for long.
His justice is better. His way is not mine. He wanted me, died for me, while I was a sinner.
Not when I was perfect.
Not when I had anything to offer.
Him.
Simply Him.
And yet, over there.
He is still over there, across a chasm that I cannot possibly cross, because I have never been able to purify my own heart, never been able to make myself righteous.
What do I do with this mess?
Screaming, crying, weeping for change.
But not in the situation, this time...in my own heart.
___________________________
and then, a miracle!
He
meets
me.
___________________________
For if we confess our sins, He is faithful and JUST to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
Maybe His justice looks a little differently than I expected.
May I extend such to others.
Selah.
