pieces of my heart

If my life were a puzzle, and I a child, then perhaps my heart would be the picture.

I know the puzzle-maker; He is my Father. He alone knows the full picture; He has never shown me the box cover!

So here are some pieces of my puzzle in this ending of May and beginning of June…nothing grandiose…nothing pauperish…just my heart as I know it.

the nations – woo me; burden me.

the Word – is sooooo salty…it makes me thirst, then bids me drink.

His Spirit – is more and more dear.

His salvation – is my delight!

a bible study – deepens me.

school – though done for a season, wrestles with me.

my “job” – frustrates, delights, laughs, cries…all of these reactions are mine, on a weekly basis!

I was telling a friend that the best things about this year have been the internal workings of Christ in me.

I haven’t moved to the nations.

I have a steady job.

I go to a community college.

All is…the same? Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

Oh, but my for my HEART.

I find it growing deeper in love with Him each day!

This is the life I’ve always dreamed of...

(Somehow, I just thought it would happen due to circumstances, surroundings, peoples…but I find these things can neither separate nor push me toward the love of Christ in and of themselves.)

Just Christ.

The simple beauty of the Gospel.

hE mAdE a WaY fOr Me

He is mine and I am His.

Unmerited grace. Undeserved mercy.

That’s my King…

my Lover…

my Friend.

Tonight is the first night I can think of in many months where I walked away from watching a movie I knew I would enjoy to spend time with the One who loves me.

There is a...newness...to this season.

All my "why's" are being wrapped up in Him - He is my answer.

As my pastor said this Sunday: The question is not "Does God love me" for He has already answered that question! The question is: Do I love Him?

Who knew what joy could be found in the answering?

For I find myself in one place dancing and laughing and crying in my room with Him, in love, only to find myself in another place where my love has failed, and I am burdened by my sin. In that place, He finds me...quiets me with His love...and makes me new.

I have never met anyone like this Man. I probably never will.

He is mine and I am His.

It is enough.

for the ladies :)

Context: I wrote this for the ladies at the Honor Academy internship here in Texas (a part of the ministry I work with). They forgo dating for a year in order to pursue their relationship with Jesus and grow in their faith...might make the blog below a little more understandable. Blessings! :)

Your worth is not based on what you do.

It was never meant to be.

Your worth comes from the price of your redemption.

Think about it – who would care about diamonds if they weren’t so expensive, so rare?

The price of a gem demonstrates its worth.

Consider this - “Even while we [you] were yet sinners, Christ died for us [you].” [Romans 5:8]

Your very Creator, your Daddy, your Beloved, your King – determined that you cost everything, and He gave away everything He had and paid His life…to have you.

Do you know what He says about you, now?

“A woman who fears the Lord is worth far more than rubies.”

He considers you the reward of His suffering.

In the same way that you would wear a sparkling engagement ring on your finger with exuberant pride and joy, so too you are like a royal diadem in the hand of your God [check out Isaiah 62].

“Oh, but I don’t deserve this!” I hear you say…

Exactly.

That has always been the point!

Grace earned is not grace.

You were never meant to earn His love, for it is freely given.

Sounds backwards, doesn’t it? Welcome to the Kingdom! J

Let’s transition a bit…

Back in the day, men were expected to pay a “dowry” price for the woman their heart loved. They would give their finest animals, their best crops – they would pay anything.

Is your man willing to pay the price the Lord is asking of him?

Your heavenly Father will not allow you to be “bought” for less than you are worth.

A man unwilling to pay that price does not understand what he is looking at.

A woman who sells herself only believes the voice of the hagglers instead of the voice of her Father.

Understand this – it is not of gold or silver that I speak, but rather of Ephesians 5. Does this man love you to the measure that Jesus Christ has loved you? Has he laid his life down for you? Does he exemplify 1 Corinthians 13:4-7? Does he bear the humility of Isaiah 53?

Being human himself, he will not be the personification of these things…but is he seeking the Lord for the grace to walk in them? Is he dependent on the power of the Holy Spirit, or is he enamored by his own strength?

I promise you this, ladies. If you find a man wrapped up in Jesus Christ, and you too are wrapped up in Christ, your hearts will be guarded, and only Jesus Himself will have the authority (in both your eyes) to allow you to begin to walk a road together. If you cannot look at a man without losing your gaze on Christ, you are not yet ready. J

So, in this season of singleness, remember Matthew 6:33 & 34 – “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself…”

In this season, I challenge you to FALL IN LOVE with your Maker. Truly, there is no other love like His! Even the best man’s love [you know…the one you will marry! J] will seem like hate when you hold it up to the love your Father has for you. Don’t miss out on the most important relationship you have in all of eternity in order to find the shadow of it here on earth.

I pray these verses over you ladies, today: “Enlarge my heart, oh Lord, that I may run in the way of Your commandments! Draw me after You, and let us run together!” [ps. 119:32 & song of songs 1:4]

Trust your Beloved, and RUN after Him!

eyes to see

haunting piercing crying EYES night day dead dying EYES blue brown hazel green EYES visions blurred obscured hopeless EYES, YOUR EYES see yearn desire burn YOUR EYES search throughout the earth YOUR EYES seek for those who will go YOUR EYES haunting piercing weeping YOUR EYES see the reward of YOUR SUFFERING.

WILL HE HAVE IT?

Wake us up, Jesus! Give us eyes to see, that we may speak of You boldly among the nations!

so you want to be a martyr?

martyrdom.

oh, that revered state of laying down one's life for something greater...for Him.

imagine this, if you will.

you stand in an arena. all alone. surrounded by thousands of eyes, voices, noises, sensations [fear is prevalent].

suddenly, the ground shakes. lions and other wild beasts appear to be rising from the earth. they are the closest thing to you, now...besides your own skin.

soon, you will not be your own, but rather a part of these wild beasts, of the crowd's imagination and memory, of the dirt you once came from.

we read these stories, if we're lucky.

perhaps some of us desire to die in such a way, hoping that our deaths will bring glory to the One we love, hoping that by our death someone else's life will become focused on Him.

but now I ask you to imagine this.

you stand in the present day. in an "arena."

business arena? entertainment arena? secular arena?

you fill in the blank...

thousands of eyes are watching you, and your Enemy prowls like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

are you too willing to be martyred?

let me rephrase that.

are you too willing to be a LIVING martyr?

I believe it has before been called a "living sacrifice."

does your everyday living and breathing draw the eyes of thousands (or maybe just one) to Him?

do you live your life in such a way as to bring glory to His name?

or do you merely dream of a glorious death that will be invalidated by the way you now choose to live?

sometimes living for God is harder than dying for Him.

Paul said:

for to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

he said:

it is now no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

can you say the same?

are you [present tense] being conformed into His image?

do you consider your life worth nothing?

or do you still treasure it?

because where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

don't be so foolish as to think that one day yours will be a glorious death if you have not yet learned how to live a glorious life.

it is a process.

it is painful.

it is a daily dying, a daily denying, a daily exchanging of your life for His.

do you live it?

will you live it?

consider this your challenge.

it's a crazy adventurous life we live with this One we call King. I challenge you to live it in such a way as to win.

I want to hear your story someday. on the other side.

don't quit.

don't "ring out."

and don't give in.

if you're down, get back up. you're not out. He is faithful, even when you are faithless. hold on to Him, and run.

I'll see you on the other side. ;)

Romans 12:1-2, Philippians 1:21, Galatians 2:20, 1 Corinthians 9:24-27, 2 Timothy 2:11-13 Written October 8, 2009

david's wilderness [an old writing]

I was thinking about David today.

He was a shepherd for a very long time before Samuel ever anointed him king.

He was alone for years.

What did he learn that was so important? Why did God choose him instead of one of his brothers? How did he come to know God so intimately, alone, out there in the pastures with nothing but his sheep, slingshot, staff, and harp?

I wonder...

Maybe the times when we feel alone are the times when God can do His greatest work in us, because He becomes all that we have.

Maybe the times when we fight those solitary battles (the ones that nobody sees) are the times when God can teach us to fight most effectively. He is our only coach, our only audience.

Maybe the times when absolute silence/solitude surrounds us are the times when we begin to hear His whisper most intimately.

Maybe the times when our huge victories go unnoticed (David killed a few bears in his time) are the times when God can deal with our pride and ambition most ruthlessly.

Maybe those times in the "wilderness" become the best times in our lives. Our focus becomes the eternal; our purpose becomes clear.

So then, when God calls us out from the wilderness to embrace our destiny, we are not so afraid of giants anymore, nor the taunts of men. God is our captain and our victory is assured, and we will not be dissuaded.

And when the hard times come...again...we remember those times in the wilderness, and we remember that God is for us and not against us. We remember the bears and the lions. We remember his gentle corrections and strong rebukes. We remember his laughter and his voice, speaking gently to our hearts.

And our faces set like flint. And we begin to talk in another language, one that only heaven can understand, as God digs His sword even deeper into our hearts and wedges out the things that have lingered.

Our faces become set toward heaven, and we begin to live like men with eternity in their hearts.

For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble are called...

Like David. Like Jesus.

Psalm 23; 1 Corinthians 1:26; 1 Samuel 16-1 Kings 2; Isaiah 53

raw

tonight I met a man who walked in North Korea. who sang songs about Jesus. who led his tour “guide” (read – guard) to Christ.

this was potentially the most unexpected thing to happen to me in the last, say, year and a half.

have you ever wept so hard you wanted to throw up?

welcome to my life.

how can I even express the deep things of my heart?

He is ripping all of my plans apart. Everything I thought I was “called” to, all those plans of mine, every thought, action, word, standard that I have ever planned is being held up and ripped apart.

oh so gently.

(amazing how He does that)

goer.sender.mobilizer.interceder…all words used to describe callings.
I certainly can’t pick one.

I want to be where He is.

That is the only thing I truly desire.

I don’t know where that will take me.

I really don’t care.

Just let me walk where He walks.

The nations? fine. America? fine. Intercession? fine. Singleness? fine. Marriage? fine. Life? fine. Death? fine. College? fine. No college? fine.

“I count all things as loss compared to the greatness of knowing Christ Jesus, my Lord…”

not just a crutch phrase anymore.

my life.

(not my own)

dead.
dead.
dead.

to live is Christ. to die is gain.

Fear not…He whispers…will you trust Me that just One thing is enough? Just Me? That a life spent seeking My face is not a wasted life but in fact is the only “life” there is?

Preparing For the [un]Known

I've been told it takes discipline to be a doctor. More specifically, it takes discipline to make it through medical school.

I find myself wondering lately how to balance a love of discipline with a love of spontaneity. Can I "schedule in" spontaneity? Does that count?

I love the feeling of buffer - not having every minute of every day scheduled. But if I don't make a schedule, nothing much gets done.

I guess I'm getting to a point where I have to seriously decide what my priorities will be. I know what they are currently - it's easy to see where I spend the majority of my time. But what if I want those to change? Or what if they have to?

Maybe I have 10 top priorities right now, but what if they need to be whittled down to 5?

For instance, now, in this season of my life, I can put off homework now and then, spontaneously even, in order to hang out with friends for a night, watch a movie, or scroll around facebook or the blogging world.

But what if that needs to change? Well...not the friends :)

Does this make sense?

I am only asking because of this need for

preparation.

I feel this so strongly in my spirit. I cannot stop thinking of it in regards school, work, ministry, physically...even the end times have taken on such an intensity I have never felt before.

But even as I feel this urgency, I feel like I am urgently preparing for the...unknown?

I can make guesses...but I don't fully know.

I was telling someone the other day that I have been feeling so excited lately, but for what I DON'T KNOW. Except that the Lord is doing it, so it must be fantastic!
[while remembering that even His judgments are good]

And then during prayer today, I had this thought: If we are ever to learn of Jesus as our Leader, there is no way He is going to reveal everything to us all at once, else how would we?

In this time, Psalm 23...73:25-28...37...84...these are good to me. Let me reflect on His goodness, and I will be satisfied. I will trust. I will follow.